HOLD MY HAND

Right so I'm not feeling too funky.
Or maybe right now the Valium is kicking in and it's starting to get a bit mellow, just so as to let me breathe.

After one a a half years of helping out my (step)father with his illness and my mother with her devotion to make him feel better while letting herself wilt, he finally departed from this world on Saturday.

This is so funny: my boyfriend was a bit pissed at me cause I said I didn't think I could go watch him perform on Sunday and I wouldn't tell him exactly why; that's because I knew. The morphine started on Wednesday night. He was very ill and it seemed obvious and clear to me that he was going to die on Saturday and there would be a funeral on Sunday and although I reasoned that it would be great to unwind and relax, I knew I would be too tired to go out and party.

I did not know, however, that I would have to watch him agonize and die, go to their home and pick up the clothes to dresss up the deceased before it became rigid, be inside that hospital room ALONE with the dead body collecting his and my mother's stuff that people keep in a hospital room when they're spending a lot of time there.

Then I went to my mother's and we split a list to let all their friends know and I sort of had to console some of them. Came home, took a shower, drugged myself up and woke up early for the funeral.

His son chose to abandon us during the entire 18 months and he wasn't there. The other remaining blood relative is the sister. She was there. She's old, as are all of them friends of his, you know.

Somebody has to go witness the exhumation of the dead's parents - to make room for his casket.

Somebody is me for some reason I'd like to know. Why me, motherfucker?

So I walked and walked alone in the cemetery until I found the men and the place. There was a skull and two bones. There was a woman's dress rag and a man's suit rag, small remains, really, and the metal parts of the previous caskets. That's what happens after you die and they bury you.

I saw the largest cockroaches I ever seen in this life, roaches that never see sunlight or any light, very light-colored and freaking HUGE coming out of one skull. They put the remains is plastic boxes which will be laid on top of the new casket after it's been set inside the grave.

Since the motherfucking son of his didn't show I had to be the sixth person to CARRY the fucking casket.

I'm a woman, for crying out loud.
You know what? I'm so pissed off right now.

All of what's been written so far went on within a 10-hour period.

I'm so worn out.

But I had an appointment to see this doctor today, that my other doctor sent me to. Concerning skin. Meaning skin surgery in 6 days.

So when you see me petitioning the Lord, please be kind and try to understand. Even if I am so mean that I deserve to suffer and suffer, please show a little compassion. Even because mean I am not. I do charity incognito. I help everyone. I am honest and modest. I'm far from being a saint, but I ain't no devil, either.